“The Relationship with Myself”

The best is yet to come. I am a firm believer that real life begins after 30 when one has a high self-awareness, has discovered what they want and has the knowledge on how to achieve it. I turned 30 with a great excitement and started waiting for the miracle to happen, all of a sudden something to change and to start feeling happy. I didn’t think it would take some effort and work to get there.

I was often asking myself: “What is the key to happiness?” I have always tried to do things right, to behave the way the others expect me to, to be a good girl. And though I had a good job, wonderful friends and was doing most of the things I have always wanted to, I felt like something was missing. Buying something nice or going on an exciting trip was just a temporary healing. Again I was waiting for something to happen or to achieve something and was telling myself – that will make me feel happy. But it didn’t as I was not giving myself time to enjoy what I just have got and immediately I was after the next thing that will make me feel complete. I was successful but still very demanding to myself, always wanting to be perfect and meanwhile I was missing lots of joyful moments aiming to comply with the society’s expectations and being dependent to a great extent of what the others would think. I liked my life and was sure that happiness depends on things – to achieve something I want, to find the right person to complete me, to be always cool as per the others, but after turning 30 I have started asking myself  “Why it doesn’t work?”

I decided I needed to do something in order to discover what will really make me happy. I had the feeling that this “something” should be completely different from all things that I have done before. Why not even something I am afraid of? And I went to a painting course at the seaside, as I have always been afraid of painting. With my efforts to be good in everything I do I was just avoiding painting pictures as I thought I am not talented enough and because I always set high expectations to final results. I was crying all the time when painting my first picture. A lot of hidden emotions came out in the process of painting and by the end of the course I discovered that what is important for me is diving into the exciting process of creating without focusing on the result. Another great learning happened when I started giving my pictures to my friends. I got a wonderful feedback and this is not because my pictures are perfect, but as I have made them whole-heartedly and especially for these people.

So the journey to my inner me began. I started discovering new things, some requiring to overcome myself, others to change my old habits or to do a thing I thought I will never do.  I felt like a child who plays, enjoys every moment and doesn’t care what the others expect. Isn’t that the real thing? I felt guilty that for so long I haven’t been in touch with the spontaneous child inside me being focused on external things and thinking too much what is right and what is wrong.

It came like an epiphany. The key is to have a healthy and true relationship with myself. To embrace that curious child that does things whole-heartedly and believes that anything is possible. Love yourself. That was echoing in my head for days. Yes, I have read it in books before but it was just a phrase. This time it is a feeling that fills me in and I have realized it is the solid basis inside of us that happiness rests on.

The relationship with myself is the most difficult and interesting I have and it requires constant care to flourish. Accepting myself with all the good and bad inside me makes me feel complete and free.

I know there is a lot more to be discovered and finding myself is a long exciting journey that I have started with a step – I dared to fix the relationship with myself.

On that way I am not afraid of change, I am grateful for all wonderful things and people in my life, I do everything whole-heartedly, and enjoy all the little things that make me feel good.

The best is yet to come.

Be true to yourself,

Maria

About Maria:

Maria is born and raised in Bulgaria, but feels a citizen of the world who loves traveling and broadening her horizons. An HR professional in the corporate world Maria likes the activities that awake the creativity like jewelry making, interior design, painting. Maria believes the most valuable way to spend her time is in conversations with friends and sharing moments, thought and experience. She is 32.

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